What Could Have Been

By: Andrea Crowder

Kevin jumped, pulled from sleep by the blaring alarm. His hands fumbled through the sheets until he found his phone and snoozed it. It was 6:45 in the morning and his phone was on battery saver, but it was the notification on the screen that caught his attention. He hadn’t seen an email from The Merge since the confirmation of his registration. His heart stuttered to a halt. Was he still dreaming? He blinked the sleep from his eyes while his email loaded.

Dear Mr. Green,
We are delighted to inform you that, due to a cancellation, you have been chosen for an appointment series that will begin this Friday afternoon. Because of the short notice, we request your response within twelve hours or we will move on to the next candidate.

Kevin didn’t read any further, but looked for the link to respond. His hands were shaking, so he took a deep, steadying breath. Anticipation crept up on him as he envisioned the opportunity at his fingertips. It had been several years since registration, at which time he had paid a significant deposit to show he was serious.

The sheets pulled away from Kevin and he yanked back. Lauren had rolled over, turning her back to him. Sheets and blankets swirled around her. Geez, she could at least wait until he had climbed out of bed to steal them. He glanced over, but all he saw was the mass of tangled hair. The gray was close to exceeding the amount of brown. She just didn’t seem to care. Lauren wasn’t snoring, so he knew she slept lightly. At least she wasn’t watching. She wasn’t aware of the money he had pulled from his paycheck each week and placed into a separate account dedicated to his dream of this appointment.

Kevin looked back at his phone, but the screen was black. He pressed a button but had no response. With a grunt, he reached to the bedside table and grabbed the plug for his phone, then pressed the power button again and again, fingers trembling, until the screen lit up. These appointments were scarce. While getting an appointment was partly due to chance, because of their lottery system, the wait list could be close to a decade.

The Merge was a business that answered the question, “What if?”

“What if I had finished my degree?”

“What if I had published my book?”

“What if I had tried harder?”

“What if I hadn’t broken up with my first girlfriend?”

All worthy questions, but Kevin’s question was a little different. Fourteen years before, he’d had a dream. His dream inspired him. His motivation led to years of designing a community on paper and in his mind. The houses in his community did not have straight lines like he built at work, but were domes. Rather than geodesic, they were perfect curves, like the tip of an egg. After years of filling notebooks he wondered what would have happened if he had pursued his dream?

The website appeared on his screen and read: Time until Acceptance Required: 00:02:37

He regretted not checking his email before bed. His fingers moving as quick as possible, Kevin input his information and touched the submit button with 30 seconds to spare. Nothing happened, but the timer continued to run down. He touched it again, repeatedly, and the screen turned white. Acid curdled in his gut. He jumped upright so he could sit at the edge of the bed. His entire body clenched as the flavor of bile accompanied the sour feeling deep in his stomach. Fists tight against the mattress, his eyes were glued shut.

“What’s going on?” Lauren’s voice cracked.

“Nothing.” His jaw was still clenched.

Kevin forced his eyes open. He glanced over to the phone screen where it said:

Appointment Confirmed: Please remit balance within 24 hours

He shut off the screen and sat, taking a few deep breaths while his body relaxed. Lauren rolled back over.

++++++++++

When the construction site shut down for lunch, Kevin and Steve both sat on a pile of dirt in the shade of the newly erected house frame.

“You seem chipper today.” Steve cracked open his soda and took a gulp.

“Yup.” Kevin smiled and took a bite.

Steve raised his eyebrows and Kevin turned away. “Ever heard of The Merge?” He asked.

“Sure.”

Kevin looked back at Steve, grinning.

“Wait.” Steve’s hand, almost to his mouth, dropped with a chip still held tight. “You?”

Kevin nodded.

“How many grand that set you back?”

“Ten.” Kevin took another bite.

Steve shook his head and put the chip in his mouth. “You know you could’ve bought a better truck and got rid of that old jalopy.”

Kevin shrugged. “I’ve been saving up for years.”

Steve shook his head again.

“You’re a gambler. I’d have bought the truck.”

“Seriously?”

“I’d never spend that kind of dough at The Merge.”

“Why?”

Steve looked off to the side, chewing. “What if this is it, man? What if this is the best?” He cleared his throat. “Now Trish last night,” he raised his eyebrow, “that was pretty good.” He took another bite. “Pretty sure I couldn’t find a better experience.”

Kevin laughed and crumpled up his empty sandwich bag before tossing it into his lunchbox.

++++++++++

Lauren sat in the living room, when Kevin got home, watching television and eating a microwave meal.

“I picked up a few more meals. The stroganoff is pretty good.” She told him without looking his way.

Kevin grunted and walked to the freezer. Stroganoff it was.

Sitting in his recliner, he searched through success stories from The Merge while ignoring the TV in the background. The Merge specialized in showing dreams could come true by opening a connection in the brain to an alternate self. Years back, they discovered a larger dimension held alternate realities. They could stimulate a part of the brain in the back of the temporal lobe to access the alternate memories, as all alternates were connected, even if not known. After a client experienced what could have been, they could use that feeling, or maybe the memory, to reach their goals. Everything could change rapidly.

Della Lundgren was a cosmetologist before her first appointment with The Merge. Fifteen months later, she had learned three new instruments. Her voice sounded as though she had been taking voice lessons for years, and she had a record deal.

Philip Marshall had four international best-selling books within five years of his appointment. Previously a paralegal, Philip stated that the career shift would have been unimaginable before his appointment.

There were the personal stories too. Madison Hunter told how she met her soulmate after experiencing their relationship in her alternate experience. Kevin grunted. He glanced over at Lauren. She wouldn’t be happy about that.

Feeling his eyes on her, she turned. “Whatcha lookin’ up?”

“Eh, nothing important.”

“How was your day at work?”

“Same as always. I hammered some nails.”

She nodded.

“You?”

“Eh,” she shrugged, “it was work.”

The commercials ended. Kevin sighed and pulled himself out of his chair.

“Well, I’m off to bed.”

She nodded, not looking away from her show.

++++++++++

On Friday, Kevin arrived at the Merge office for his appointment in a clean pair of clothes he had brought to work with him. The entry was bright from second and third-story windows streaming light down into the open room. They required an appointment just to walk down the hall, but the stories posted along the wall lifted the spirits! To find one's greatest success and happiness potential within such a short time period was uncanny.

“Mr. Green?”

Kevin nodded at the woman that walked his way. She had an electronic tablet in her hand and touched a few spots on the screen before tucking it under her arm. She reached out to shake his hand. Her name was Rosemary, and she led Kevin to a bright office full of cheerful, colorful artwork.

“We will peruse the paperwork and finalize the details of your appointment series.”

He nodded.

Rosemary reached over to the side table and grabbed a stack of office paper as thick as a book and plopped it onto the desk between them.

“I’m sure you’ve already looked through much of this since you’ve had access to it on your account with us for,” she looked at the top of the page, “it looks like over three years.” She looked up at him. “Not bad! Most of the recent clients have been waiting longer. Anyhow, just to be thorough let’s start on page one.”

Kevin read very little of the paperwork. Most of it was legal bilge, yet a few things stuck out. Amid the stack, he signed he would not hold The Merge liable if they weren’t able to find his dream story, or if his experience were to bring harm to his life. When he voiced his confusion, Rosemary told him of a woman who broke up with her husband of 13 years because she saw her “soulmate”. She searched for the soulmate, only to find him happily married and uninterested.

Note to self, Kevin thought with humor, don’t divorce Lauren right after the appointment.

Headaches could be normal after both the initial scan and the full experience. That’s why they were a week apart. At any rate, he had signed that he wouldn’t hold them responsible for headaches or any other medical issue that may arise because of his experience here.

Then he read the statement that the experience was for entertainment only.

“Entertainment?” He looked up at Rosemary, frowning.

“Let’s say that your sister was dying of an incurable disease. Maybe in your experience you were a doctor and saw the cure. We can’t guarantee that memories you retain are factual.”

He signed and moved on.

While the soul-crushing first part of his appointment had been with Rosemary, Eve took over afterward. She was upbeat, and he felt better. She took his clothing size and then measured his head and distances between several points on his body. Eve told him about her favorite parts of the job and a few tidbits about clients. Kevin had assumed that clients came to find a path to money, success, or fame, yet Eve told him that much of the client base was already quite successful. Tom was successful and powerful, the VP of a thriving company, when he came to his first appointment. In the end, he left his job and his girlfriend and bought an off-grid cabin by a lake. He spent more time in his garden, working with wood, fishing, and reading classic novels by the fireplace. Since that time he had married and had a child. His transformation stuck out to Eve because he radiated such happiness when he came by to visit a year after his appointment series.

Kevin was told that his next appointment would involve the initial scan, yet after he left The Merge to return to work, doubt crawled into his mind. What if Steve was right? What if nothing was there?

What if the best he could hope for was an office job?

Or a different wife?

What if a birthday party or sporting event ended up being the best moment of his alternate life? What if the highlights of his best life would have been nothing more than side notes to anyone else? Perhaps the best moment would be so inconsequential it wouldn’t even make it into a 500 page autobiography if it happened to someone significant. Maybe he just wasted an obscene amount of money on inevitable regret.

Later as he sat in his recliner, lasagna being the frozen dinner of the night, he looked up the worst reviews he could find about The Merge experience. There were a lot of them. He found claims of both physical and psychological issues. There was a report on someone exhibiting split personalities after their appointment. Apparently they were in such a state they couldn’t even return to work.

Split personalities.

Huh.

He stared up at the crime show on the television and dropped his phone to his side in the chair. He leaned back and took a gulp of beer. One constant in each review was the life changing experience, one way or another.

++++++++++

On the following Wednesday he headed in to his Merge appointment before work. With a weird cap over his head, his eyes covered, and sensors covering his body, he was asked many questions about his own life. They told him that his ability to remember, and feel, the moments they spoke of would give them comprehensive data to find a better experience to share with him.

It was an extreme couple of hours. He sobbed as he recalled seeing his mother’s lifeless body in the hospital bed, as well as with the recollection of the first time he saw a dead deer while out hunting with his dad as a child. The sadness from the latter led him into a deep shame and questions over his masculinity. Who was he if he cried over a successful hunting trip? He felt the intense joy that he had when picking up his brother, Mike, at the airport after Mike had been deployed overseas for 18 months. His memory from a friend’s bachelor party brought on intense laughter lasting several minutes. The emotional roller coaster left him worn out.

Once they had enough data points, they gave him something that quieted his mind almost completely so they could analyze additional data.

“Zero in over here,” one technician said to the other, “do you see that on the screen?”

“Oh yeah, that’s a decent spike!” The man paused as some keys clicked. “Marked it.”

They continued looking for patterns in the graphs that would mark significance. When the payment is for one peak experience, not only do they have to find the right alternate line but they need to find the perfect spot along it.

When returning to work after lunch, Kevin’s eyes were red and puffy, his head throbbed, and all he wanted to do was go to bed. If he went home from work early, though, Lauren would ask why.

“Allergies,” he responded when a coworker asked if he was alright.

Steve raised his eyebrow when he heard the answer from across the room. Kevin turned away, but it wasn’t long before they were in the same area.

“Weird time of year for those allergies,” Steve muttered.

Kevin grunted.

“Did you have your appointment?”

“One of them.”

“Woooeee. I bet that was fun.” Sarcasm dripped from his tongue.

Kevin was silent.

“Did they find anything good?”

Kevin sighed. “I’ll find out next week.”

Steve nodded, a straight look on his face. Before he turned to go, he slapped a hand on Kevin’s shoulder. “I hope you find your winning lottery ticket, brother.”

++++++++++

The night before his big appointment, Kevin struggled to sleep at all. He spent a few hours at work the next morning before driving to The Merge office. Once there, he changed into clothing set aside for him. He had the same cap over his head, and his eyes were covered again. They placed an IV in his arm.

“Alright Kevin,” the man’s calming voice said. “In a moment we’re going to give you something to relax you, and then we’ll direct you to your experience. We will make a recording of the event. It won’t be a voice recording, but records sounds we get from reactions in your brain. If I were to listen to it, I would hear random ticking sounds. When you listen to it, the pattern will remind your brain and you will re-experience the alternate memory. It won’t be as intense because you will have awareness of the world around you, but we recommend avoiding driving or any other activity that requires your full attention when you listen.”

Kevin nodded.

“Alright sir,” the man tapped on something nearby

Kevin closed his shaded eyes. His abdomen felt like it was turning to jelly. The jelly spread up to his chest, then down his arms and legs. He tried to wiggle his fingers but couldn’t. Soon the feeling crawled up his neck and spread across his face and scalp.

++++++++++

Kevin sat on stage to the left of the podium. A man was up there talking. The bright light on the speaker made it hard to see the faces in the crowd, but Kevin tried nonetheless. He saw Bridget and her boys. The younger one kept trying to wave at Kevin, and he gave a small acknowledgement with his hand low. Josh and Debra were to the side. Next were a few people he didn’t recognize, then his friends from work, Jimmy, Shane, and Rachel. He smiled and then the surrounding lights dimmed and a video began on the screen just behind him. He had seen the video before, but angled himself to see it again.

There was the village of dome-shaped houses. The community name was on a sign, “Greenville”. They zoomed into the walkway down the middle and watched Kevin walk out his door and greet his friends and neighbors in the community area. The camera then turned away and traveled through the walkways showing houses, flowers, playground equipment, and small businesses. All of it was curvy and organic.

The scene changed and a large tornado loomed in the distance. Sparks shot as the tornado took out power lines in its path. Statistics about the death and destruction of the five tornadoes came up on the screen followed by pictures of the catastrophic results, taken in the sunlight of the next day. The storms had been devastating. Now they showed Greenville. Trees were knocked over, playground equipment was mangled, and yet the houses still stood. The businesses all stood. The urgent care stood. The community center acted as a shelter for neighboring community members. There was broken glass, electricity had been knocked out, cars parked outside hadn’t fared too well, and other things needed tending to, but for a direct hit from an F-4 tornado, the place looked pretty good! Members of the community spoke on the video telling about the tornado and how loud it was. They told about how afraid they were, or how they hid in their closets or bathrooms, yet the extent of injuries that took place among the residents of the community amounted to little more than some stitches for a cut from broken glass. They attributed the stalwart nature of the buildings to both their egg shape and the strength of the materials used in construction.

Kevin was being honored for his vision and foresight to create Greenville. At the end of the video, the man called Kevin up to a cheering audience. They presented him with an award and then left him at the podium to speak.

“I remember years back when I first had the dream,” he said. “Greenville existed even then, just not in our physical world. When I woke from that dream, I was beyond excited and I told my wife about it. She felt it too, and we both saw the possibilities. The experience was intense. If it hadn’t been for the spark she reflected back to me, Greenville might have passed on as if only a dream. However, this amazing woman used all the skill she had amassed in her career to find funding to help make Greenville a reality. Come on up here, Lauren.”

She appeared and made her way to the stairs. Her brown hair was highlighted with gorgeous, shimmering silver, and her smile flashed as she looked up at Kevin. She was soon at his side and he put his arm around her, and she him.

“I may have had the initial dream, but without Lauren I couldn’t have done it. For seven years we have lived in our egg dome, and we wouldn’t change that, our neighbors, or our community, for the world.”

Kevin spoke some about the construction process, the reasons they were safe in the storm, and other little tidbits he had learned along the way. After his speech, he joined Lauren down at their table, and they served dinner. More than just his friends and neighbors, he received handshakes and words of appreciation from strangers. He and Lauren posed for a photograph for the local newspaper.

He held the award they had given him.

“Vision ~ Confidence ~ Action ~ Leadership”

When he and his wife walked into their home that evening, he went straight to the fireplace mantle and moved aside some pictures to place the award in the center.

“Congratulations honey,” Lauren whispered. Admiration and love shone from her eyes.

“I couldn’t have done it without you.”

++++++++++

Even though the actual time for his appointment was about an hour, Kevin felt every incredible moment of that evening. He estimated it felt like 6-7 hours of experience. At the end of his appointment they didn’t ask questions but said they would follow up after he had absorbed his experience. He changed back into his work clothes and walked out to his truck.

So they were real. Or could have been.

And Lauren.

Lauren.

That night, when Kevin arrived home from work, Lauren was beginning her dinner in the living room. The television was on.

He looked at her and tilted his head.

“Hi honey,” he whispered, trying out words that hadn’t slipped past his tongue in far too long.

She frowned as she looked up at him.

“Let’s go out to dinner.”

Kevin strode over and grabbed her frozen dinner before he pulled her upright. Her eyebrows squished together.

He smiled at her. “I’d love to spend more time together.”

“But I’m not dressed up.”

He looked into her eyes and saw her. Here she was. “You look gorgeous.”

He set down the frozen dinner and cupped her face in his hands to kiss her, then he embraced her in a deep hug. He couldn’t remember the last time he had done that. It felt good.

“Okay,” she smiled. “Let me get my shoes.”

This story originally appeared in the Mensa Bulletin (August 2021)